My name is Nick Bushenkus. My folks raised me with hard country livin' and a strict interpretation of the good Bible. I have my own family now and am a foreman for a construction company. I like to wake up with the sunrise and bed down at sunset. I work hard and live clean. I believe that a man should own a rifle and a truck and learn to use them proper. I have an honest wife who bore me two beautiful children.

I go to my job Monday through Friday to feed my family. What kind of man doesn't provide for his family? On Saturday, I mostly putz around my garage or backyard garden. My wife likes me to work on the yard, while I prefer to refinish the boat sitting in our driveway. Nonetheless, Saturdays belong to the man putzing around the house. However, Sunday, being the Lord's day and all, I try to make sure my family rests and recreationalizes. Is "recreationalize" even a word? Not certain, but I make sure as syrup that I do it on Sundays.

A perfect Sunday for me starts with a hot breakfast and a strong sermon from church. The children and I might drink some cider on the back porch playing cards or, when the summer's hot, go fly-fishing down at the river. Sundays are my day to spend with my family and become with peaceful the Lord. Nothing better than taking my family to a nice restaurant and ordering country fried dinner to end the weekend. I treat people the way I like to be treated, and that holds true for the wait staff at any dining establishment. If their service designates that I leave a twenty or thirty percent gratuity, well; then that's what I leave. My family appreciates good service. Except for one thing. I never tip a Negro, Mexican, or Asian. I don't leave tips for any non-whites no matter how good the service.

Life Lessons....Flawed.

Hello. My name is Elaine Gomsrud, and I am a widow of ten years. My deceased husband, Jeffery (may he rest in peace), taught English Literature at the local community college for most of our adult lives. I worked as an elementary substitute teacher for many years. We never had children, but still always felt very fulfilled working in environments with so many beautiful young people. Jeffery died of shiny shin cancer, which has been around for many years, but still, is very rare. I learned to live on my own despite missing him dearly. When he received tenure, we bought a small hobby farmhouse outside of town. Though I've had many offers to sell it, I just can't bring myself to leave here.

As I near retirement, I still substitute teach from time to time. Mostly, I just make sure the few chickens are kept, and try to keep busy in the strawberry patch. My family jokes that after Jeffery, I remarried that strawberry patch. But you sure don't hear them complain when I bring over my shortcake when the family gathers. There's been sad times, but life has treated me well. I've loved, been loved by others, and had the pleasure of helping young people. I think the most honorable thing to do as adults is to make the world a little safer for children. Just imagine if we just all could do our part in helping and nurturing a child. I'm close to my family, which I believe is important in leading a good life. I feel especially close to my sister's fifteen year old son, whom I've secretly had sexual relations with for the last two years. He's a passionate lover, and a very polite child. Sometimes, I video tape us having relations in the strawberry patch.

Life lessons...Flawed.

Self Help Hyperbole

Dr. Rev. Janna Joyce: A cross between Dr. Phil and Janet Reno. Wearing a long skirt and blazer of bland colors.

CBC Voice: a voice from the side of the stage advertising a new show on the 700 Club.

Voice: This week on the 700 Club, Self Help Hyperbole, with Dr. Rev. Janna Joyce. Author of two average selling self help books for born again Christians ("Lord Loves a Clean Shin Shaved!" and "Outrage on the Phone Prayer Hot Line!"), Dr. Janna Joyce takes her no nonsense approach to help you with life's hardest questions.

Highlights include her advice concerning the modern Christian's financial investments:

Joyce: (starts by standing in middle of stage with one hand on hip and a bible in the other hand. Eventually works herself into an almost non-sensical frenzy) "When Jesus shows up at your front door in a dirty diaper you had better not pinch your nose. You understand what I'm saying here, people? We have super amazing ninja bibles at our disposal and you're just swimming laps in a bedpan. Can I get an Amen? Listen to me, if you don't want to spend $19.99 for the Lord's new and improved super juicer; then you're just sticking a dirty rutabaga down your pants and calling it your back yard garden. And I'll tell you something; the garden in Heaven has no place for you to be letting the milkman shuck your own corncob. I think you know what I mean. When the Devil comes over for dinner and puts a little doo-doo on the steak knife, you best bet he wants to butter your bread...with a dirty diaper!"

Voice: Dr. Rev. Janna Joyce is a mother of two and wife of 25 years. She has taken her life lessons in raising two daughters in the gated community of Eagle Hills in Fort Worth, Texas to offer a few words for parents of teenage children in crisis. This week's show highlights the tough questions when it comes in inter-religious dating:

Janna Joyce:"When Satan shows up at your front door in a dirty diaper you had best not give him your favorite doo-rag. You paying attention here, people? What I am trying to say is that when a baby sticks her hand in the wrong jar to get a cookie, I think it's time you go get the finger-breaking hammer. And you know there's a staple gun in every hammer drawer. These aren't easy choices, my flock. This is about scrubbing behind the tub and finding a curly black hairs that don't belong in the family. That's when it ain't just grinds going into the coffee maker. It's Satan telling you that the laundry's still feels a little wet. And if what I'm saying isn't crystal clear to somebody trying to live by the Lord; then you got a dirty diaper in one ear and a Harry Potter book in the other. Amen

(calms down to tell a story).
You know people, last week I had an interesting dream that felt like the good lord wanted to teach me a teaching that I can now teach you. I dreamt that my beautiful daughter, Angel-Mary, was participating in a church sponsored co-ed softball game after Sunday school. I sat in the stands saying prayers for our team. Suddenly I noticed that Angel Mary was trying to get my attention. I went to her between innings and she said she needed some milk. Well, I thought what a strange request. But I could see in Angel Mary's eyes that she really needed some milk. So I went to the concession stand to find her some. I found none. I went inside the church cafateria and still I found none. By this time in my dream Angel Mary had started crying, 'Mamma, Mamma, bring unto to me my milk, Mamma.' But I had none. I awoke from my dream very troubled. Want to know why? I think you know why. Angel Mary needed milk because THAT'S WHAT LITTLE BABIES DRINK. Babies need milk, people. And they wearing dirty diapers. Oh thank you lord, bless the flock. That's a lesson you best not forget."

Voice: Despite that Dr. Rev. Janna Joyce is neither a doctor or a reverend, she does pay close attention to the events that shape our christian world by listening to christian talk radio. She has some important words regarding the war in Iraq that all Christians should consider:

Janna Joyce: (now sitting very confidently with legs crossed and bible raised oddly above her head) When Mohammed shows up at your front door in a dirty diaper you had best not compliment his new hat. You hear me, people? I know these are tough times. No one said the answers would come easy. But I'll tell you what, if you're packing somebody's lunch, that bag better have a full supply doilies and bibs because our good Lord don't hand out Little Debbie's to baby at 3:15 everyday. And just a little secret between me and you, if the Twinkie you share with Jesus doesn't have cream filling in the center, it had better be jelly. Or Jam! Possibly marmalade. But I think everyone can agree if the Twinkie has a dirty diaper somewhere stuffed in it, then Satan just went to the DMV with an overnight bag and you have to renew your license. Stay with me here. This is the important part. Now pay attention. It's so simple. If the hand that plays in the pocket is the same hand that programs the VCR; then you just defecated on a paper plate, stuck a plastic fork in it, and called it breakfast. And our good lord ain't eating no defecation with a plastic fork. You'd better bring out the nice plates that granna passed down to mamma and then passed down to you. Oh, bless the diaper, Amen. Diaper."

Voice: Dr. Janna Joyce can be seen on CBN every morning at 7 AM.

Happy Super Power Juice

Sick and tired of hearing new and original material written by a bunch of art school dropouts? Getting a little bored with a nightlife that sounds far too interesting and thought provoking? Wanting to hear the same Alice in Chains and Metallica songs over and over again by more than twenty different bands? Then we have some good news for you.

XRock 109 FM and Happy Super Power Juice Productions proudly presents this summer's most rocking and eerily familiar sounding rock fest to END ALL ROCK FESTS!

Friday and Saturday, August 6, 7, in the comfy confines of Leif Erikson Park in Duluth, MN, XRock 109 FM and Happy Super Power Juice Productions bring you the 2004 COVER! BAND! METAL! JAM! MELTDOWN! COUNTDOWN!

Get your tickets now from any Super America service station that sells Happy Super Power Juice before all the fun runs out. Get 'em NOW NOW NOW!

Start the festival on Friday with the T.G.I.F.T.B.S. (Thank God it's Friday Tribute Bands Showcase) featuring: Fake Knot (Slipknot tribute band), Tone Deaf (Deftones tribute band), Lester Park (Lincoln Park tribute band), Bare Chested (Creed tribute band), and Whitey Himmler (Toby Keith tribute band). Headlining T.G.I.F.T.B.S is Lester Chested Himmler Deaf Knot (Fake Knot, Tone Deaf, Lester Park, Bare Chested, and Whitey Himmler tribute band).

Tickets on sale now. Don't forget to save up your Happy Super Power Juice caps to get discounts on group rates and also to receive your free "XRock 109 - If a cover band doesn't play it; THEN WE AIN'T HEARD IT!" summer super comfy cushion.

The Cover Band Metal Jam Meltdown Countdown continues on Saturday with the best cover bands from Proctor, West Duluth, Scanlon, the Iron Range and suburbs around Minneapolis. Day acts included are: Ragged Endz, The Bed Roxxx, Juicy Fruitz, Gunz and Zepplinz, Baby's Bloody Bottle, The Hot Brown Starz, Stockings and Bondz, The Camel Toez, Burning Biblez, Stolen Lighter, and Dirty Pink Sweat Pantz. Saturday's Cover Band Metal Jam Meltdown Countdown ends with the legendary GREAT WHITE REVISTED!

Tickets on sale now! Make sure to tune into Weird Earl's morning show on XRock 109 to win the "Guess That Celebrity's Bowel Movement" contest for Cover Band Metal Jam Meltdown Countdown V.I.P. Back Stage Slut Patrol Passes for the whole damn WEEKEND WEEKEND WEEKEND!