The Movie Theater Manifesto

You may ask yourself why does a young man stand before you, at the front of a packed movie theater, waving a baseball bat around, as we wait for the previews to begin. I would like to explain how this aluminum Louisville Slugger is my best friend to bring to movies. It has a nickname because all friends should have nicknames. This particular bat goes by the nickname of the "Louisville Shusher." I call it the Shusher because its main function is to prevent you from TALKING OR KICKING THE BACK OF MY CHAIR DURING THE FILM! We did not come here tonight to listen to you mumble, whisper, giggle, or talk on a cell phone. We also did not congregate here tonight to experience the unpleasantness of you taking off your shoes, resting your feet on the headrest, and nervously jostling our chairs. This is where The Shusher comes into play and this is how the game works.

If you have the bad habit of reading aloud words or names or places that appear on the screen during the film; that equals one visit from The Shusher to your shins and/or kneecaps.

If you try to make clever comments during dialogue of this movie; once again, your shins and kneecaps receive a greeting from The Shusher.

If your cell phone rings; the cell phone will meet The Shusher. If you answer a ringing cell phone; Shusher time for your face and the cell phone.

Want to bring your two-year-old to a movie? Better hope he/she doesn't start whining or crying. The Shusher will wait until the end of the movie and lights come up to slam into your neck and shoulder region, so one of the first memories your child has of you is writhing in pain on the floor of a movie theater isle.

Go ahead; kick the back of my chair. Let's see what Mr. Shusher has to say about that.

The Shusher and I work as one, and I can swing it like a drunken bar league softball third baseman who still has "issues" from when his dad coached little league. So sit quietly and enjoy the film.

© Mark Lindquist