I woke up this morning to a CNN report that Federal Judge James Whittemore ruled that Terri Schiavo's feeding tube should remain removed from her body. Terri Schiavo has lived in a vegetative state for the last fifteen years after she suffered brain damage from a suspected eating disorder. She has no living will and her husband has fought for years to legally end her life. Her parents, however, feel that there exists a chance of recovery for her daughter even if it is remote.
I shouldn't even comment on this sad issue, and I had planned not to. That was, however, until I heard a statement from a political scumbag that seemed so disgusting that I could sit back no longer. The comment comes from House of Representatives Majority Leader Tom DeLay. Mr. Delay, after flying in from vacation to pass emergency legislation to keep the feeding tube attached, spoke publicly to reporters questioning the manhood of Schiavo's husband Michael. Whaaaat? Questioning the "manhood" of the guy who sits bedside of his sick wife for fifteen years, whose family life is a waking nightmare everyday, and has to ask courtroom after courtroom to please end the pain and suffering of the women he married? Hey Tom, you were on vacation. Mr. Schiavo was in a hospital room. You should be spending your free time figuring out how to save lives through universal health care and prescription medication prices. Dude, you do not bring up "manhood" issues in these cases. You can comment on "sanctity of life" matters. That's fair game. But you don't act like a seventeen-year-old talking trash about his old girlfriend's new lover. Why don't you just go into a child's hospital and tell the cancer kids to "toughen up, will ya?"
Well, I'm not going to let Tom Delay question the manhood of Mr. Schiavo. I'm biting back. Hey Tom, I went online and saw pictures of your wife. Guess what? I think they should maybe remove her feeding tube because she certainly hasn't been eating salads or working out on a Bowflex lately. Seriously, Tom, I have two words for you to suggest to her: Slim Fast. I think for the last twenty years she's had a feeding tube that goes from her fat ass directly into a bag of Cheetos and a two-liter of warm Diet Coke. When can we have the emergency legislation signed to remove that tube? I'd fly in from vacation to vote on that because she's not looking good. What kind of man lets his wife look like that in family photos?
Now that's how you question someone's manhood, Tom.
Speaking of feeding tubes: I'd like make a living will right now, so my family never has to deal with the Tom DeLay's of the world if I ever become a piss and shit factory hooked up to a cold machine. I, Mark Lindquist, of sound mind and body, hereby wish the following:
1. If I'm ever on life support with less than a 25% chance of recovery, please pull the plug on my ass. Turn the lights down, light a freaking candle, pour some cheap whiskey on my chest, maybe play Smog's "Dress Sexy at My Funeral" song in the background, and PULL THAT PLUG WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE.
2. If you ever catch me riding the bus to the mall, wearing pink sweatpants, and talking to myself about an imaginary puppy named Mittens, PULL THAT PLUG WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE.
3. If I am ever found alone at home listening to the band Styx or watching NASCAR, don't worry about a plug, just shoot me in the head and leave me there.
This is my legal living will and ask all parties to please respect my above mentioned wishes.
Note: Tom DeLay's wife is not incredibly overweight and does good work for the foster kids all over the country. Sorry.
