Think Ahead: Take Monday Off
This is the first important step in planning your Super Bowl Sunday. Things will get weird and will go late. A full twenty-four hour recovery following the game will be not only good for you, but also good for your employers who don't understand the importance of these sorts of things.

Follow the Free Food, Follow the Action
If you can't decide where to watch the game; then use this general rule: Follow the free food to follow the action. Your money has other more critical uses than meal expenses on the greatest gambling day of the year. However, sustenance will be vital for the seven to twelve hours of Super Bowl boozing, drug inhaling, and white knuckle hand wrenching. Plus, you also have a game to watch. A few simple phone calls to area Super Bowl parties and sports bars can provide you with a menu of pre game snacks, free halftime food, and post game dessert. Make your choices based on variety and proximity. For example: Don't go pizza, pizza, pizza for your three game meals. Why not try Sloppy Joe's for warm ups, cheese and vegetable trey at your friends party for kick off, followed by meat balls and nachos at halftime, and ending with cold left over pizza at a cheap dark bar for post game. Follow the free food.

Kickoff Time: Are All Your Bets In?
Keep a perspective on your gambling activities during the Super Bowl. If you have a few bucks on first quarter scores, a few more on a halftime total, a large portion of your paycheck on a game winner, a dollar or two on some number boards, money stolen from your girlfriend's change jar riding on a point total, and plan to take side action; then you must keep an organized, easy to read record of all gambling activities. Bring a calculator if need be, and leave all credit cards at home locked away in a desk. Or don't bring a calculator and take out a bunch of new pre approved credit cards. The point is not to get carried away and keep track of your capital. The largest portion of your sports wagering is something to be done before kick off when the mind is clear and can rationally determine a proper amount of "fun money" to gamble.

Always Have an Out
Non-football fans will inevitably approach you at some point during any big game to discuss a wide variety of things that you don't need to hear. Also, the guy that gets too drunk by the end of the third quarter may attempt to trap you in a slurred conversation regarding politics or relationships or jobs or why your kid is sitting in the car outside the lounge. You can avoid these people by having an "out." Going to a different party or bar at the end of each quarter gives you an easy "out." Simply tell your adversaries a simple goodbye and leave quickly. Also, at no point during the day should you speak of or even look at what the Axis of Evil refers to as "The Halftime Entertainment." Halftime is an excellent time to ditch people who consider Super Bowl commercials or musical guests at all compelling.

Drinking: Set Limits Based on Previous Embarrassing Moments
You don't want to end up as the above-mentioned annoying guy that gets too wasted by the end of the third quarter...again. To escape that, try thinking about the last time it happened to you. Mentally go over the mistakes you made that day. Was it too many shots, not enough food, mystery pills that ended up in your hand? Learn from your mistakes, drink lots of water, and always know your dealer.

The Game is Over, but the Night is Young
Well, another football season has come to pass and you wonder what to do next. Why not end your Super Bowl evening with a fun game of cards. Card table discussions of the game and your own personal wins and losses are like a nice short jog after an intense workout. You don't want to come down too quick, but you certainly cannot keep up the high blood pressure you've developed throughout the day. Also, this represents probably your best chance to either double your winnings or make up your losses since you've eaten well, stayed organized, and remained in control of your liver on the greatest sports day of the year.

© Mark Lindquist

On Saturday, January 9th, NBC chose to broadcast Kenny Loggins on Ice opposite of the other networks' showing of the NFL playoffs. The event featured professional ice skaters performing routines to the live music of Kenny Loggins. The skaters pirouetted around the rink dressed as the characters from such movies as Footloose, Top Gun, and Caddyshack while Loggins gave rousing renditions of his hits from said movies' soundtracks.

I don't mean to get graphic or profane or off color here, but are you fucking kidding me? For the nine seconds that I caught this vomit BY ACCIDENT because I hit the wrong button on the remote while watching football, I felt horrified, raped, and tortured. When did Saddam Hussein's son start programming weekend sporting events for NBC? Let me put it this way: If someone asked me if I would rather watch Kenny Loggins on Ice or...let's say, a hobo finger his own ass, I believe the choice is clear. If somebody told me that I had to either watch a washed up, crappy 80's rocker with a suburban dad mullet sing terrible songs from dumb movies while sexually confused ice skaters danced around dressed up as Goose and Maverick...or I had to watch a street drunk pull down his pants by a dumpster on Michigan Street and go knuckle deep in his\her own poop pipe; I say I gotta go with the hobo.

It's like my worst enemy from Junior High got a job at NBC and said to himself, "I have an idea. Let's take the two most hated things from Mark Lindquist's life, Kenny Loggins and figure skating, mix them together, and then put them on television when college basketball should be on."

My word count here does not permit me to address those of you that actually enjoyed watching Kenny Loggins on Ice. But rest assured, two weeks from now when I get a full 650 word count in the Transistor, YOU ARE NEXT. To read other reviews of Kenny Loggins on ice go to www.kennyloggins.com and click on community and message board.

© Mark Lindquist

AFC Playoffs

New England Patriots: The Patriots' dynasty has shown some vulnerability this year with losses to the Steelers and the Dolphins. In our black hearts, I think we know that opposing teams have studied up on how to beat them. The Pats' good fortune has run out. No third Stuporbowl awaits them this year.

Pittsburgh Steelers: I should say that I'm a die-hard Steelers' fan. Their defense, coaching, and home field advantage help them in getting to Jacksonville in February. Their offense doesn't look too shabby either, except that everyone is beat up. Having a rookie quarterback must eventually catch up to them even if Rothlisberger is the second coming of John Elway.

Indianapolis Colts: I wouldn't have said it a month ago, but after watching the Colts beat a tough San Diego team last week, this is your odds-on bet to represent the AFC in the Stuporbowl. The offense has possibly five future Hall of Famers in their prime, Tony Dungy can coach, and the defense plays just good enough to let Peyton Manning outscore people. Cold weather road games present the biggest challenge.

Wild Card Teams and the Chargers: San Diego can play with anyone. However, I still wonder if Drew Brees' season isn't a fluke. And I know Schottenheimer gets outcoached by the above-mentioned teams. The Jets simply don't have the beginning to end talent to make any noise. And whoever else sneaks in can consider this year a rebuilding year.

NFC Playoffs

Philadelphia Eagles: Even without T.O., I really do think Philly will finally go to Jacksonville. And I also think that they'll win it. Donovan McNabb's leadership skills turned Rush Limbaugh into a drug addict. That's how good he is; I've always believed it and I think we will all see it clearly in the playoffs. They remind me of the Patriots of last year: pretty good at everything, spookily well coached, and just destined to do it.

Green Bay Packers: Well, I'm sure Packer fans will agree; it just feels nice that they made the playoffs. Packer fan, your victory over the Vikings two weeks ago was your Stuporbowl. Love it and don't forget it. My advice to you, trade up and draft a quarterback next year because Number Four rages against the dying of the light.

Atlanta Falcons: This could actually happen. Coach Mora has this team believing that Michael Vick can get them to the Big Show. The funny thing is, Coach Mora keeps Vick on a leash short of his crazy talent to stay within the game plan. Weird, just plain weird. I don't understand this team, but the devil knows I wouldn't want to meet them in the playoffs...well, at least until they get to a cold cold Philadelphia.

Wild Cards and Seattle or Whoever: Vikings could possibly upset someone in the playoffs. Then again, they could miss the playoffs again. What a waste of great offensive talent. Owner Red McCombs is to blame for a wide variety of insufficiencies on this team. Lovable New Orleans turned it on just too late and I don't trust the defense or quarterback. Seattle, Carolina, and St. Louis will act as a scrimmage for real playoff teams. The NFC sucked this season mainly because of the underacheivements of these teams.

Stuporbowl Prediction

I'll go with my prediction from two seasons ago and say that Philadelphia beats Indianapolis in a close one. You might see an even "pick-em" point spread if Owens can't play. My Choctaw vision is that it will rain in Jacksonville that day, Philly's defense will hold Indy under 24 points, and Donovan McNabb will take his place as a Stuporbowl MVP quarterback. Oh yeah, I also predict that I'll be gambling and drinking at the Buena Vista like a crack whore...on crack...and whoring for the most beautiful day of the year: Stuporbowl Sunday.

© Mark Lindquist