I am inquiring the availability and pricing of renting out two boats in your fleet for an employee "private party" on Monday, Oct 23rd, between 5 PM and 11 PM. We will be coming up from Minneapolis via bus and are looking to relax on a boat ride. I will detail the specs of this party below, but first I would like to define, so there is no mistake, the meaning of "private." Webster's Dictionary defines "private" as a nearly evergreen shrub related to...wait. Sorry, I'm looking at the wrong word here. I was looking at the word "privet." I never really used this book before. It's like you need a dictionary just to look up words in a dictionary. Here we are, "private": the state of being apart from observation, not known publicly. That is of the utmost importance for our proposed party: having it not known publicly.

Now as far as what kind of function we intend to host on the Vista Fleet, I want assure you that anything occurrence or any "off color" events that you and your staff may witness, all parties involved are consenting adults. There may be some younger ladies from the Twin Cities involved. There may be some even younger ladies from Atlanta and Memphis. And possibly (hopefully) they will be joined by some even younger women from Bangkok. Despite their dress, these women are professionals and all of legal drinking age. Please inform your staff and captain that these entertainers are not to be stopped from their performances. Nor are they to be touched or looked at directly in the eye. That makes them nervous. And no freebies. Have you ever heard of a Cincinnati Reacharound or Hong Kong Daisy Chain? If you haven't, please familiarize yourself with these terms, so you and your staff are prepared for the type of entertainment we will be supplying for my employee party.

We also plan on bringing with us up to twenty young men. These men are employees of mine, who, for various reasons, need to get away from the hustle and bustle of our high profile business. Once again, I must ask that you keep their privacy as a top priority. And also, please do not stop the boat trip before the scheduled time. We ran into a problem with a captain who, after a few misunderstandings, turned the boat around two hours early. That really put a bummer on the planned group-grope that we had all been looking forward to. Also, like the young ladies accompanying them, no touching, not direct eye contact, and no freebies. No autographs either. I've instructed all my employees coming on this trip to sign any autograph with the name Chris Hovan, so please don't push it.

Please fax pricing and availability to the number below.

Yours truly,
Mike Tice

© Mark Lindquist

Oh my goodness, did a Minnesota Vikings' special teams actually make a play that contributed to a much-needed victory? And did their defense put a lock down on the Saints' very talented Joe Horn and Duece McCallister? I can't remember the last time I saw something like that in Purple Land. And I have to admit that coach Tice looked like he came up with a decent game plan for the first time in a very very long time. If that half-witted clown does it just seven more times this season, he could miraculously save his job. And I say that because winning a mere eight games in the NFC North could get you into the playoffs with a home game. The NFL is weird and naughty and I love it.

Next week the Vikes go on the road to Atlanta. The Falcons have a Hall of Fame caliber quarterback, multiple offensive weapons, a real tough defense, and one of the more brainy up and coming head coaches. It's going to be Mike Tice and his squad's toughest test of the young season. But I think Minnesota can go down there and squeak one out if a few things happen. First and foremost, Tice cannot lose this game by making asinine decisions during the game. He's been known to call ill-timed replay reviews, among other just plain bad coaching moves that hurt his players' chances. He cannot afford any of those shenanigans. Second, Duante needs to be Duante. I like it when he scrambles, and I like when he goes deep. Minnesota will have to play to those strengths against a feisty Falcon defense that attacks to the ball. And third, the Vikings' secondary must stay at home with the ends and outside linebackers playing contain. I saw Atlanta's quarterback, Michael Vick, win games all by himself if an opponent doesn't play with discipline. Minnesota has the talent to stay with him, but we'll see how disciplined the new defense plays. Jeez, going into the bye week in week five with two wins and two losses, that's not too shabby for the way the season started so ugly. But you know, every victory for Minnesota, in the long run, doesn't help in getting the worst coach in football fired.

Punker brothers, it's been a long time since I've done this, but I'll take the Vikings' to win outright in low scoring affair. Both of these defenses will have good days and hell, I haven't predicted a Vikings' upset in over two years. So put your money on it, and we can all be bookie breakers together.

© Mark Lindquist

Oh my goodness, did a Minnesota Vikings' special teams actually make a play that contributed to a much-needed victory? And did their defense put a lock down on the Saints' very talented Joe Horn and Duece McCallister? I can't remember the last time I saw something like that in Purple Land. And I have to admit that coach Tice looked like he came up with a decent game plan for the first time in a very very long time. If that half-witted clown does it just seven more times this season, he could miraculously save his job. And I say that because winning a mere eight games in the NFC North could get you into the playoffs with a home game. The NFL is weird and naughty and I love it.

Next week the Vikes go on the road to Atlanta. The Falcons have a Hall of Fame caliber quarterback, multiple offensive weapons, a real tough defense, and one of the more brainy up and coming head coaches. It's going to be Mike Tice and his squad's toughest test of the young season. But I think Minnesota can go down there and squeak one out if a few things happen. First and foremost, Tice cannot lose this game by making asinine decisions during the game. He's been known to call ill-timed replay reviews, among other just plain bad coaching moves that hurt his players' chances. He cannot afford any of those shenanigans. Second, Duante needs to be Duante. I like it when he scrambles, and I like when he goes deep. Minnesota will have to play to those strengths against a feisty Falcon defense that attacks to the ball. And third, the Vikings' secondary must stay at home with the ends and outside linebackers playing contain. I saw Atlanta's quarterback, Michael Vick, win games all by himself if an opponent doesn't play with discipline. Minnesota has the talent to stay with him, but we'll see how disciplined the new defense plays. Jeez, going into the bye week in week five with two wins and two losses, that's not too shabby for the way the season started so ugly. But you know, every victory for Minnesota, in the long run, doesn't help in getting the worst coach in football fired.

Punker brothers, it's been a long time since I've done this, but I'll take the Vikings' to win outright in low scoring affair. Both of these defenses will have good days and hell, I haven't predicted a Vikings' upset in over two years. So put your money on it, and we can all be bookie breakers together.

© Mark Lindquist