I just wanted you to know that I never liked you anyway. You may have sensed that there was some tension between us from time to time. But that is understating what I really felt. I never liked you.

Behind your back, I often made fun of your weight despite your never having a weight problem. "Fat skanky house pig," I would say when people would ask me how you were doing. Other times, just to mix it up, I would say, "Anorexic prudish tit mouse." It didn't matter if I made fat jokes or skinny jokes. I just plain didn't like you.

I once accused you of cheating at a game of sock drawer checkers. And later added that only a true bastard would cheat at sock drawer checkers. But I think we both know that we never played sock drawer checkers. And I suspect that sock drawer checkers isn't even a real game. I only said that to people because I never liked you anyway.

Or how about the time I handed you a glass of orange juice. You took a sip and I laughed and laughed as I admitted that I had mixed urine into it. And you drank it. Ha ha! You told me to that I was acting childish. But what you didn't know was that the urine WAS from a child even though it wasn't. The joke is again on you. I never liked you.

Usually when I would badmouth you, people would ask why. They couldn't understand how I could harbor such hard feelings towards what they viewed as a decent human being. I suppose I could have told them why, but just because I didn't like you, I would lie. I accused you of not washing your hands before you washed your hands. That's always been an imaginary pet peeve of mine. And I explained to them that I don't trust people who use finger puppets as weight lifting gloves. And just to rub in my dislike for you, I liked to say you admitted to naming your nipples "Loggins and Mussina" even though you don't have nipples or even know who Loggins and Mussina is.

Sometimes I dream of macing you down in a crowded bar. But then in my dream, you take my mace and put a little behind your ear and say how nice it smells. Then you hand me a wicker basket that turns out to have a miniature Aretha Franklin in it and she maces me in the groin with flat ginger ale. I wake up liking you even less.

I'm sorry; I've just never liked you.

© Mark Lindquist

I'd like to start the 2006 sports year with a clean slate. I take a lot of pride in knowing I did my homework when it comes to ranting about hoops, pigskin, the links, the rinks, and America's pastime for this publication. Not every prediction I made about the 2005 NFL season came to fruition. In fact, nothing I wrote back in the spring came to fruition. So we've decided to reprint my yearly column on the upcoming football season just to show what an incredibly horrible prognosticator I've become. The Colts having a good year was the one pick I made that seems to be true. Then again, a small marmot with dyslexia could have gotten at least one team's future correct by throwing his own droppings at a map of the NFL. That's is my plan for next year's NFL Preview, except I'll use my own droppings. Happy New Year and enjoy the playoffs. I'm going back to study and do some serious slate cleaning.

A Reprint of 2005's: Not My Earliest, Not My Most Thorough, But My Shortest NFL Season Preview Ever.

Someone once said that pro football is the season that never sleeps. The Super Bowl ends and suddenly you have combine workouts, mock drafts, seventy-two straight hours of live draft coverage, mini camps, contract negotiations, Hall of Fame Game; this is all before the end of July. Not to mention the arrests, failed drug tests, motorcycle accidents, gambling accusations, ticket scalping charges, DWI's. And that's just my offseason activities. I love it. Football. 2005 Preview in da' hizzhouse!

AFC East: Look for the end of the Patriots' dynasty but not until the playoffs. Jets and Bills will improve from last year. Miami is a weird team like a weird cousin that you don't want around. The Fins will beat some people.

AFC North: If the Steelers' passing attack doesn't lose games for them; this could be the year. Baltimore: always lurking like a Morgan Park pedophile. Cleveland, Cinci: always suck.

AFC South: The Colts will have home field advantage throughout the playoffs mainly because the rest of this division stinks.

AFC West: This is the toughest division in football. Any of these teams could win the West. Look for the Chargers to stay on top with their running game.

NFC East: Philly remains on top despite T.O. controversy. T.O. will be back and give them the edge over Cowboys and Giants.

NFC North: On paper the Vikes should win big games. However, Mike Tice still is your coach and special teams continue to be an issue. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. Look for Detroit to get possible wild card. Bears and Pack can go play with each other in the cold. The light is fading for Number Four.

NFC South: It's Michael Vick's planet, but Atlanta needs some lucky bounces to overtake Philly. Panthers will act as a spoiler and Wild Card.

NFC West: All four of these teams look like one big question mark. My one crazy pick, for no real reason at all, is Arizona sneaks into first place. I miss Denny Green's kookiness. Like taking acid at a keg party, St. Louis and Seattle just don't excite me anymore. I'm actually hoping to see a few Niner games this season because this could be the year that a team goes 0 and 16.

Super Bowl: The AFC has four teams (Pats, Steelers, Colts, Chargers) that could all get hot and win out. But I think Payton Manning's sheer will-power gets the Colts to the Big Show. I also think that Philly will use T.O.'s contract bullshit to keep them hungry. Same pick I made last year: Philly 34, Colts 31.

© Mark Lindquist